Three Sheets to the Wind
by Relena's Glam Squad
Summary: Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell are known to be skilled at neutralizing threats. Can their skills hold up while otherwise impaired? (Canon pairings)
1. Space Pigeons

**Three Sheets to the Wind**

 **by Relena's Glam Squad**

 **Disclaimer: This may or may not have been written while intoxicated.**

* * *

 **Chapter One: Space Pigeons**

 **March 13, A.C. 201**

 **Brussels Interplanetary Spaceport, Belgium**

Relena Darlian fanned herself with her boarding pass, alternatively tugging at her crepe blazer. It was unusually hot in the spaceport, or maybe it was her. Maybe she was coming down with something, although she convinced herself that otherwise, she felt normal.

Still, something felt off.

She slipped off the blazer and draped it over the arm of her chair, where she sat waiting in the lounge. She was early; her flight wasn't boarding for another half-hour yet. Relena prided herself on being early. The rest of her team was off wandering the bustling spaceport, probably making one last restroom stop or grabbing food and magazines for the flight. Relena pulled at the neckline of her sleeveless silk shell. She still felt unbearably hot. It served her right for wearing silk while traveling, she supposed.

Relena glanced over at Edmond, her newest bodyguard. He was casting his eyes about furtively but otherwise looked bored. She caught his eye and smiled.

"I'll be right back," she promised as she bolted up from her seat. He arched a brow in response.

"Ladies room?" She knew if she said otherwise he would probably want to follow her.

"That, but first I'm going to check out the newsstand." Relena pointed to the nearby shop. "It's right over there. Would you like a water or anything?"

Edmond shook his head. "Nah, I'm good. Don't stray too far, though," he added in mock scolding, waggling his brows.

"Aye, aye." Relena gave him a tiny salute before sauntering off. _Freedom,_ she sang to herself. _Sweet freedom…_

Most of the time she _was_ free. Nowadays there simply weren't as many security threats to worry about. It was five years after the end of the Eve Wars, and the Earth and colonies were in the midst of a mostly peaceful era. Sure, threats popped up here and there, but the relatively new government, ESUN, and its intelligence arm, Preventer, seemed to be more than capable of quashing any uprisings before things got out of hand.

Without a world in need of saving, Relena found her job as Vice Foreign Minister being reduced to meetings and paperwork. When she first took over the role for her late adoptive father, she realized she was taking on a largely ceremonial title - of course, a little nepotism hadn't hurt - but she quickly found herself acting as an intercessor for the new government putting itself together. Now, Relena's position had transitioned into more of a cultural attache, and that was just fine with her. She was happy, and relieved, that the new system seemed to be working.

And so most of the time, especially when she was home on Earth, she could come and go freely as she pleased, without the need for a security detail. And Relena relished every bit of that freedom.

On the colonies it was another story. Despite ESUN's efforts to unite disparate citizens on Earth and in space, many colonists still harbored a deep mistrust of the government, with a heavy dose of cynicism. Even though it had been a while since Relena had been personally threatened, all government officials were given security details as soon as they stepped foot on any colony, as a precautionary measure. Most of the time Relena thought the requirement was downright silly, but she had to go along with it.

For now, she was enjoying a moment of solitude as she perused the newsstand. She finally selected a bridal magazine; even though she was the furthest thing from engaged, she enjoyed looking at the pretty pictures and knew it would help keep her relaxed during her flight. On that note, she also grabbed a bottled water and dark chocolate bar. She hadn't had dinner yet but decided that chocolate was an acceptable meal on its own sometimes, especially dark chocolate; it had antioxidants, or so she'd heard.

Relena was joining the queue to pay for her purchases, nearly bumping into a man lining up at the same time. She quickly sidestepped out of his way.

"I'm sorry, go ahead." She dipped her head and smiled politely.

"No way! Ladies first." The man grinned from under his baseball cap, gesturing for Relena to move in front of him. She murmured a thank you and started to move, but quickly realized the man looked familiar.

He was peering at her the same way.

"Relena?" He removed his ball cap, revealing bright blue eyes as his long braid tumbled out.

"Duo!" Relena beamed at the former Gundam pilot and automatically stuck out her hand. As a politician, she was used to doling out handshakes, but the braided man wasn't having it; instead he pulled her into a bear hug.

"I _thought_ that was you!" Duo squeezed Relena's shoulders before releasing her, looking her over with an unabashed grin. "Long time no see, Princess! And looking pretty good, I might add." His smile somehow widened. "New haircut?"

Relena patted the ends of her angled bob. She had wanted to try something different for a long time and decided she liked having her hair above her shoulders, although she'd kept her signature bangs.

"The consequences of boredom on a rare day off," she explained breezily. Duo laughed.

"Ya know, some people just golf, but whatever floats your boat." Relena laughed at that. "So what else is new?"

"Not much," she admitted. "It's been pretty quiet lately, but thank God for that."

Duo sighed warily as he shifted his food purchases from one arm to the other. "You could say that, I guess." Relena arched a brow.

"Oh? Why, is business bad?"

"Naw, business is okay, although there is less of a demand for old MS scrap metal now that there hasn't been any fighting for years." Relena knew that by 'MS,' Duo was referring to mobile suits.

"There are plenty of other uses for that sort of material, though," she pointed out.

"Eh, not really." Duo shrugged. "I built a fort though." The admission sent her into a fresh set of giggles. "What? I really did."

"I'm not surprised," she said, wiping a stray tear from her eye. "That's adorable."

"Um, if by adorable, you mean awesome, then yeah." Duo grinned again. "Otherwise, life is pretty dull."

"How is Hilde?" Relena wondered. "Are you two... still together?"

"As a matter of fact, we're getting married." Duo rolled his eyes.

"Wow, that's great!" Relena clutched her bridal magazine to her chest. "You don't seem so excited, though."

"What guy ever is?" Duo said with a hint of irritation. "But hey, it's been five years, so I guess it's now or never."

"Well, I hope Hilde is happy, at least." Relena smiled encouragingly. "I'm sure it will be a lovely wedding."

"See now, I wanted to just elope, but she won't have it." Duo's eyes fell on Relena's magazine. "It's all these dumb magazines and chick flicks, I swear. I'd rather we just get the thing over with, ya know?"

"Oh, come on, it can't be all that bad." She patted his arm sympathetically. "At the very least, you get to enjoy a night of drinking and dancing with your friends."

"That I get to pay for," Duo quipped. "Consequences of being orphaned." Relena's heart went out to him.

"I know how you feel," she sighed. "But it's wonderful that you found someone you can share your life with, and I'm sure you'll enjoy celebrating that achievement together."

"That's one way to look at it," Duo mused, scratching his chin. "But, hey, you should come! The wedding's in June. I can email you an invitation…" He pulled a smartphone out of his jacket pocket. "Let me make sure I still have all your details…"

"Duo, that's very sweet," Relena started, preparing to turn him down. She didn't need to look at her calendar to know that she was probably already fully booked for the summer.

"Is 'R Darlian at ESUN dot gov' still your email?"

"That's me." She nodded.

"Sent!" Duo grinned. "Hope to see ya there. Who knows? You may bump into some other folks you remember from back in the day. It'll be like a high school reunion!"

"I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're right." Relena found herself blushing, unsure of whether she felt awkward or if she really was coming down with something. "Well, I hope that I can make it."

"That'd be great!" Duo smiled sincerely before his demeanor changed, and he frowned. "Hey! That's weird."

"What?" Relena glanced around them to see if anything strange had happened. The queue for the registers was moving along without them, but nothing seemed to be amiss.

"You haven't asked me about Heero at all."

"What?" Relena felt the flush creep back into her cheeks. "I mean, who?" Duo guffawed.

"You're amazing. Aren't you the least bit curious?" His eyes glimmered as if they were sharing some inside joke, but Relena wasn't sure she was actually in on it. "It's been like, what? _Ages_ since you two talked, I bet."

She wanted to ask how _he_ would know, but decided against it. "Have _you_ two talked recently?"

"Oh, sure." Duo flapped a hand. "He sends me carrier pigeons from his bunker in Antarctica. All the way to outer space. They're special space pigeons, outfitted with the finest Gundanium alloy..." His voice trailed off as he chuckled.

Relena's eyes widened. "So what, he's basically disappeared?"

"I would assume so," he lamented. "Living the dream, the lucky bastard."

Relena didn't understand this desire to go into hiding, but then she hadn't had to fight in the war. As much as she tried to understand the ex-soldiers she encountered throughout her career, Relena knew she would never fully grasp what any of them had been through. Especially someone like Heero, who had single-handedly saved the world, but never received any recognition.

Not that he would have wanted any. Not the Heero she had briefly gotten to know.

"Well, that's too bad," she said softly. "I had hoped that even if we'd lost touch, he'd at least stay friends with his fellow pilots." She refrained from saying 'Gundam' in public, assuming Duo still kept a low profile.

"Yeah, I don't know, man…" Duo shrugged, looking perplexed. "When the war first ended we kinda hung out a bit here and there. Mostly on Preventer missions. Then eventually he dropped out, and basically dropped off the face of the Earth. _And_ colonies."

"And are you still working for Preventer?" Relena kept her voice low.

"I do the odd job here and there, just like the others. But like I said, we haven't really been needed lately. So, scrapping it is."

"And fort-building," Relena added, smiling.

"Yeah, and now I'm gonna try to add space pigeon designer to my resume." Duo threw his head back as he guffawed. She laughed along with him, glad they had managed to change the subject. She refused to allow herself to down-spiral into worrying about the whereabouts of Heero Yuy.

* * *

Relena and Duo eventually parted ways, but not before she took his contact information. At the very least, she planned to send him and Hilde a nice wedding gift.

She wandered back to the seating area at her gate to find it mostly empty, save for a few people occupying random seats. And one very annoyed looking bodyguard.

"You're late." Edmond stood with his arms folded across his broad chest. "They've already boarded."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Relena frowned. "I ran into an old friend and we got caught up… Why didn't you come and get me?"

"I'm not your babysitter." His eyes rolled. "Besides, I thought you might be in the bathroom, and I definitely wasn't gonna check in there."

"Well, again, I'm sorry." Relena's cheeks burned as she swept past him toward the reception desk, reaching into her bag to retrieve her boarding pass. "We'd better get going…"

A loud ringing noise filled Relena's ears, and on instinct, she clapped her hands against the sides of her head. Hot air pressed against her body. She tried to open her eyes, but her vision was clouded by debris and smoke. She felt a pair of arms encircle her and drag her to the ground.

" _Edmond?!"_ Relena shouted uselessly. Her own voice sounded thin and far away as the world around them seemed to crumble. She wheezed as smoke choked her lungs, all too aware of the body above her, acting as her shield.

Relena tasted the dust-filled air one last time before darkness enveloped her.

Next she felt two sensations. Hands, pressing hard against her chest, and a mouth breathing into hers. She gasped in pain, clutching at her newly-sore ribs as her breath came back to her.

" _Relena."_

She wasn't sure, at first, if the low baritone voice was real or imaginary.

Relena wrenched open her eyes, which were watering from the smoke. Fire crackled nearby, and she could hear shouts and cries from others around her. She bolted upright but felt strong arms holding her back.

"Don't move," the male voice instructed. Relena blinked away tears, bringing the face into focus.

 _That's not…_ "Heero?"

Surrounded by black smoke, his blue eyes stared at her, slightly obscured by his overgrown brown hair. Heero grabbed her by the elbows and hoisted her back up to her feet. Relena swiveled her head, trying to absorb the situation around her.

Firefighters in their heavy uniforms rushed through the area, pulling hoses along with them. Some were trying to put out a fire nearby. Others lifted debris off of unfortunate souls who were too close to the site of the explosion. Heero's hand closed around her wrist.

"We need to go," he said. "You have to be brought to safety."

"What's going on?" she asked, snapping her gaze back to him. He was smudged and covered in ash.

"Later." He tugged her along.

"What about Edmond?" she asked, looking around for her bodyguard. "Oh, God… he's not...?"

"He's fine," Heero barked. "Right now, it's you we're worried about."

"Huh?"

He didn't bother explaining anything else. He pulled her along behind him, dodging emergency workers and firefighters. As Heero navigated their way through the chaotic scene, Relena glanced back over her shoulder. To her relief, she saw two EMTs converge on Edmond's body, preparing to lift him onto a wheeled stretcher. She saw his mouth open in a groan and was cheered to see, at least, that he was conscious.

Heero halted at a door marked 'Fire Escape Only.' He pushed it open, which triggered an alarm. He let Relena through the doorway first.

"Go down," he ordered. Relena obeyed, simply because she didn't know what else she could do. Edmond wouldn't leave her mind. Sure, she'd only known him for a short time, but-

"Relena." Heero's voice disrupted her stream of thoughts. "Go."

She hurried down the steps as quickly as she could, but her high heels gave her some trouble. At the first landing, she felt Heero gently press her on to keep descending the stairs. Two landings later, they reached the bottom floor and exited the building, bursting out into the sunlight.

Relena blinked at the sudden brightness, and stared in horror at the sight before her.

There was hardly anything left of the shuttle. The shuttle she was _supposed_ to board. A sick feeling filled her. All those people were dead. She should have been among them.

Firetrucks and ambulances, along with police, SWAT and official ESUN vehicles, had already swarmed the tarmac. Various emergency and law enforcement personnel descended on the shuttle, clearly combing the area for survivors. Relena knew there were none; there couldn't possibly be.

One of her hands flew to her mouth while the other gripped her abdomen. She felt the strong urge to retch. She calmed only slightly when she felt Heero's hands on her shoulders, gently turning her away from the scene.

"Come on," he urged. "I have a car."

She swung teary eyes up to him. "Heero… please tell me what's going on..."

Their eyes locked, and he seemed to see her for the first time. His face wore the same masked expression she had grown accustomed to years ago, although his features were more angular than she remembered. He was taller, too, but those weren't the only things that were different. _He_ was different, somehow.

"Not now," he answered her, his voice betraying even less emotion than his eyes. "Let me take you somewhere safe."

Relena's gaze drifted back to the decimated shuttle, which TV news vans were now circling. She couldn't just _leave_. People would expect some sort of statement, especially once word would get out that she was one of the passengers. If she left now, without telling anyone, she would be presumed dead.

Maybe that was the idea.

"Relena." Heero brought a hand to her face to pry her gaze away. "Please."

She looked back at him sadly but nodded, understanding that his request was more of a command. If it had been anyone else, she would have fought them, but this… this was Heero Yuy. It didn't matter how many years had passed between them; she trusted him implicitly. Even if he _had_ fallen out of contact with her, and Duo...

"Duo!" Relena's hands flew back to her mouth. "H-he was in there, too. We have to go back for him!"

Heero shook his head. "He can handle himself."

"I don't understand…" Relena tried to untangle the confusion clouding her brain. "Does he know you're here? Did you come here together? He said-"

"I said I'll explain later," he said curtly, pressing a hand to the small of her back as he steered her along. The other hand was gripping keys.

Relena allowed Heero to guide her through the crowded parking lot, where they came to a sleek black SUV. He opened the passenger door and helped her inside. She wondered absentmindedly how they were going to exit the spaceport, with an investigation well under way. She didn't even have any ID on her; her jacket was long forgotten; her baggage had been checked.

And then she realized her small purse was still tucked under her arm. She stared down at it in amazement. She must have been gripping it for dear life.

She was only vaguely aware as Heero started the car and drove out of the parking lot, stopping to flash his ID at a few officers along the way.

"I have Minister Darlian," he informed them each time. Oddly that seemed to be enough to get them through each checkpoint. Relena wondered what kind of credentials Heero must have had to satisfy the various authorities.

They rode along in silence for several minutes before Relena found her voice again.

"Where are we going?"

"Someplace safe," came Heero's automatic reply.

"So you said," Relena sighed. "Could you be more specific?"

"No." He didn't look at her as he spoke, keeping his eyes on the road. Relena noticed his jaw was clenched. She frowned.

"You know, you can tell me," she started. "You can drop the whole cloak and dagger thing any time now…"

"You should rest," Heero said flatly.

"Heero." Relena glared at him impatiently. "I don't need rest; what I need is information. You could at least tell me what you know. Are you working with the Preventers? Is that why you were at the spaceport? Did you know something was going to happen? Were you-"

"If you can wait," Heero cut in, "I can explain. Later."

Relena sighed her acquiescence. "Fine. If you promise."

"I promise." The phrase sounded funny, coming from him.

"Well…" Relena lowered her gaze to her lap before looking shyly back up at him. "I owe you a thank you. For saving my life."

Heero threw her a sidelong glance that appeared to convey a thousand things, all at once. "You don't have to thank me for that. If anything, thank Duo."

"Why…?" Her mind whirled.

"Because," said Heero, "if it weren't for him, we'd _both_ be dead."

* * *

-Relena's Glam Squad


	2. Aged Whiskey

**Three Sheets to the Wind**

 **by Relena's Glam Squad**

 **Disclaimer: This may or may not have been written while intoxicated.**

* * *

 **Chapter Two: Aged Whiskey**

 _March 13, A.C. 201  
_ _Evening  
_ _Outskirts of Brussels, Belgium_

Relena knew enough about Brussels to know that they were heading southwest out of the city. She also knew that this was the opposite direction of the Preventer HQ, where she'd assumed Heero would take her.

Because he was working for Preventer.

Right?

She stared out the window as the houses became fewer and far between, and the dense city fell away to farmland. Relena glanced at Heero, who hadn't spoken again. He was focused on driving. Taking a chance, she asked, "Now can you tell me where you're taking me?"

"Preventer safe house," he commented. Relena rose an eyebrow and turned to look out of the window once more. Small cottages and brick farm houses dotted the rolling landscape. Their car passed by pastures filled with cows. The earthy scent of the country filled the car.

Heero slowed the SUV and made a right turn off the main road onto a rough-looking dirt road. They bounced along the rutted two-track, cutting over weeds and small bushes that dared to grow. Trees lined the road at regular intervals. Relena was about to ask Heero once more where he was taking her, but the answer appeared before her.

A two-story brick farmhouse stood in a clearing, surrounded by trees and shrubbery. A dilapidated barn barely stood off to one side, and what appeared to be a chicken coop was only a few feet from the house.

This would have been fine, in Relena's opinion, if it didn't look like the house had been abandoned for years.

"This is a Preventer safe house?" Relena asked incredulously. Heero glanced at her, threw the SUV in park and climbed out.

Relena stared at him for a moment, her mouth open. Shaking her head, she released her seatbelt and slipped out of the SUV. Her heeled shoes immediately sank into the soft dirt. Heero was already leaving her behind. He'd reached the house and appeared to be unlocking the front door. Relena tore off her shoes and walked barefoot to the farmhouse.

"So where's the underground bunker?" She tossed out at him once she had joined Heero on the porch.

"As much as you might want to believe, that's not my style," Heero replied, entering a code into a control panel beside the door. "You'd have to talk to Maxwell about underground bunkers."

Relena gaped at him. Maybe he and Duo actually talked more than she thought…

The door opened with a beep and a whir of mechanisms inside the doorframe. Heero pushed it open and stepped inside. Relena followed.

The farmhouse appeared to be relatively clean, though a little dusty. The furniture was simple and sparse, only a few chairs around a table, a couch and a few arm chairs in the living room. Heavy drapes hung over the windows, obscuring the remaining daylight.

"Someone from Preventer will be stopping by later with provisions," Heero said, looking down at his phone. Relena turned to face him.

"Who else knows I'm here?" she asked.

"Une."

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

Relena arched an eyebrow and wondered what the media was going to say when they found out that Vice Foreign Minister Darlian never checked onto the shuttle.

"Could I at least call my mother?"

"Already taken care of," Heero answered.

"Let me guess. Une?"

"Yeah."

Relena released a long breath and ventured further into the house. "Well, that's good, at least. I wouldn't want her to worry." She dropped onto the sofa and pressed her hands to her face. With her eyes closed, images of the shuttle came back to her. She became aware of the pain in her chest from the CPR Heero had given her. She tried to remember if she knew anyone who had already boarded the shuttle - not that it mattered. She was devastated that dozens of people died.

She was lamenting the loss, offering up prayers for the unknown souls and hoping someone was listening, when Heero entered the room. She looked up at the sound of his footsteps. He was holding a large glass bottle full of an amber-colored liquid, frowning down at the label.

"Do you drink whiskey?"

Relena shrugged. "I do now."

Heero cracked the seal on the cap. In the small kitchen, he found two glasses and poured generous measures into each. He returned to Relena, sat beside her on the couch, and handed her one of the glasses. Relena stared down at the glass and took a tentative sip. It wasn't the best whiskey, but it wasn't the worst she'd tasted, either.

She glanced sidelong at him and risked another question. "So what have you been up to?" She thought she detected a tiny smirk on his face.

"I could tell you, but…" He paused to sip his whiskey and, Relena was sure, purposefully delay answering her.

"You'd have to kill me?" She arched a brow.

"No." Heero chuckled behind his glass. "I was just going to say you would probably be disappointed. It's not all that interesting." Relena rolled her eyes and took a long swig of her drink, hoping it would embolden her to pry further.

"Try me," she challenged.

"Preventer work," Heero answered simply. "And school."

"Surely there is a lot more to both of those things that you're not sharing," Relena prodded. "Such as, what type of work are you doing? And what's your major?"

"I'm pretty sure the first answer is obvious." Heero lifted his hand in a vague gesture. "This."

"This?" Relena glanced around the living room. "What, so you live here?"

"No…" Heero's voice revealed his impatience with her questions. "I've been doing a lot of undercover work. That's all I can say." He finished his whiskey and reached for the bottle to refill his glass. "Keeping your ass safe."

Relena flushed to her hairline, both at the swearing and the implication. "But… I… I've never even seen you."

"There's a reason for that."

"Yes?"

Heero frowned. "I can protect you better from the shadows. You must understand that."

Relena gaped at him, hoping he would elaborate, but he didn't. She sighed audibly and returned her attention back to her whiskey, doing her best to finish her first serving. Then she tucked her feet under her and prepared for a nice long chat.

"Heero?" She looked at him underneath her lashes.

His head jerked up to meet her gaze. "Hn?"

She smiled. "You owe me more of an explanation than that…"

* * *

Relena was certain that it was full dark now, and no one from Preventer had shown up yet. Her meager dinner of a chocolate bar was no longer keeping the hunger at bay. And besides, she'd given half of it to Duo while they were talking. Not even the whiskey could fill the empty hole in her stomach. She had stretched out on the couch, the remains of her third- make that fourth glass of whiskey in her hand. Heero was wedged at the end of the couch between the arm and her feet.

"We need sustenance," she declared. Heero peered at her through a half-open eye, giving her a look that resembled Relena's childhood cat, Mittens.

"I don't know what's here, and we can't exactly order in," he mumbled. Heero picked up his phone from a side table and looked at it for a while. He set it back down without saying anything else.

"We should investigate." Relena leapt up from the sofa then swayed, unsteady on her feet. "Whoa. That stuff is strong."

"Don't bother." Heero lifted his head slightly before letting it drop again. "Preventer is supposed to send someone, remember?"

"Oh, yeah…" Relena sank back onto the sofa, curling her feet under her as she rested her head on an arm. "Thank God for that. I'm starving."

The sounds of rocks and dirt crunching under tires alerted the two to an arrival. Heero jumped up from the sofa and pushed aside one of the drapes. "There they are."

Relena lifted her head, but from her position, she couldn't open the drapes of the window near her. Heero sat back down and seemed content to wait. From their positions on the sofa, they heard car doors open and close, and footsteps approach the house. The footsteps pounded up the wood steps of the porch and stopped at the door. "Are you going to let them in?" Relena asked.

"Negative." She frowned at him.

"That's rude."

"If they have clearance then why bother? Otherwise, it's a security risk."

"Oh…" Relena nodded as the realization hit her. "Right…."

From the other side of the door, they could hear someone muttering. The console beside the door beeped as the code was entered, and the locking mechanism released. The door was pushed open and a tall figure stepped inside.

"Duo!" Relena cried, lifting her glass in the air.

Duo turned, his arms full of paper grocery bags. He gaped at Relena and Heero, who were still lying on the sofa. He narrowed his eyes.

"Are you drunk?"

* * *

A/N: Thank you to all the reviewers and followers!

-Relena's Glam Squad


	3. Drunken Antics

**Three Sheets to the Wind**

 **by Relena's Glam Squad**

 **Disclaimer: This may or may not have been written while intoxicated.**

* * *

 **Chapter Three: Drunken Antics**

After Duo unpacked the assortment of food items he'd brought with him, the three gathered in the small kitchen around the table. The remains of several frozen pizzas lay on pans in the middle of the table. And because someone at Preventer thought it was a good idea to allow Duo in a grocery store unattended, he had procured several bottles of whiskey, in addition to the food.

The three had finished off the first bottle that Heero found, and they were deep into a second. Relena felt very warm and numb. She glanced across the table and saw Heero smirking. Duo was in the midst of a rendition of Hilde's response to Duo's proposal.

"Duo!" he screeched in a ridiculous falsetto. "We were going to wait until we were older! Do you even know what my mother is going to say?"

Somewhere in Relena's brain, she knew the story wasn't particularly funny, but she found herself laughing so hard that she pressed her hands to her chest, which was still in pain. Even Heero chuckled.

"So anyway, I managed to find her a ring that she didn't totally hate, and here we are," Duo finished. "Now if we could just get through all the planning shit without me losing my mind, I'd be a happy camper." He raised his half-full glass before draining it. "You are coming, right?"

Relena clasped a hand to her chest and opened her mouth to answer, before she realized Duo was addressing Heero. "I mean, you are the best man…"

"Interesting choice." Relena's hand clamped over her mouth. She hadn't meant to say that out loud. Heero just shrugged.

"I told you I'd think about it."

"Come on, dingbat! It's called RSVP for a reason, dude."

"And that is?" Heero arched a brow before taking another swig of whiskey.

"Um." Duo cast a helpless glance at Relena. "I dunno. It stands for something though, right?"

"I…" Relena tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I used to know." She turned her attention to Heero. "Are you really his best man? I thought you two lost touch."

Heero frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Ha!" Relena jabbed a finger at Duo's chest. "You were lying, weren't you?"

"Aw, shucks." Duo scratched the back of his head. "You made it sound like you hadn't heard from Heero in so long, I didn't want to make you feel bad…"

"Oh. My. God." Relena downed her glass before whirling at Duo. "You suck. You suck so much."

"Why would that make you feel bad?" Heero frowned at Relena.

"Heero, you idiot," Duo moaned.

Relena spread her palms up. "I had thought we formed some kind of friendship during the wars," she said. "And after we stopped Mariemaia, I never heard from you again." She noticed him gaping at her. "I admit, I haven't been holding up my end of the friendship, but you're not the easiest person to get a hold of."

"I…"

"And besides," Relena added haughtily, "there was that one time…"

"That one time?" Duo seized on the words, slapping the kitchen table. "Oh my God, what did you guys do? Please, tell me you boned." Relena shot him a glare.

"Of course not." She was referring to the one time Heero had kissed her unexpectedly, a memory she still held dear. It was, after all, her first - and only - kiss. She couldn't help but wonder if he'd done much kissing since then…

"Damn, I was positive something went down on Libra," said Duo.

"Libra?!" Relena screeched. "When would we have had time?"

"Pssh, you had plenty of time," Duo scoffed. "Couple of prudes…" He jerked a thumb at Heero. "Pretty sure this guy's still a virgin."

Heero just glared at his so-called friend. He turned his gaze back to Relena. "I don't have a justification for my absence," Heero admitted.

"Why am I not surprised?" Relena realized her hands were still in the air. She lowered them to her sides self-consciously.

"I wanted to contact you," he added.

"There ya go, Romeo." Duo clapped Heero on the back. He was met with a withering glare. "Whoa. Forget I said anything."

"Anyway," Heero continued. "I knew you had better things to do…"

He didn't get far before Duo hooted with laughter. "Get it?" The braided man shrieked.

"No…?" Maybe it was the whiskey, but Relena was confused.

"Remind me why you're here," Heero muttered to Duo.

"Sorry, bro," Duo said between laughs. "Totally cockblocking you, I know." Relena rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Let's fast forward, then. Tell me what happened today," she said, her hardened glare focusing on the two pilots. She saw them exchange glances. The mood in the room dampened.

"There's no simple explanation," Heero began, his hands circling his glass. Duo reached over and filled Heero's glass with more whiskey.

"A lot of luck, actually," Duo added, topping off his own glass. Relena held out her glass for a refill, and Duo obliged. "I was at the spaceport on Preventer business, but it was unrelated to Heero's mission."

"That's strange," Relena commented after taking a sip.

"I was there on a report of a potential drug smuggler," Duo said. "I had finished up with my search, and ran into you." Relena glanced to Heero.

"And you?"

"I was there on intelligence that a bomb might be smuggled onto your shuttle by a fringe group intent on harming or killing you," he said, his face darkening with a blush. "The bomb… it managed to make it through security without being detected. We thought we were clear."

Relena's mouth fell open. So rarely did Preventer mess up on a scale that large. Pieces of the day began to snap together in her mind.

"I met Duo by chance," she repeated. "I got held up talking to him. And I nearly missed boarding."

"Which was totally accidental," Duo jumped in. "I mean, I didn't even know you were gonna be there. Une had mentioned something about keeping an eye out, but-"

"That was my job," Heero said, jerking a thumb at Duo. "I didn't know he was there, either."

"Then where were you?" Relena wondered.

"Waiting to board your shuttle," Heero said, holding her gaze. "As a precaution."

"But why?" Relena wondered. "If you didn't think there was a bomb, why would you-"

"I had a hunch." Heero just shrugged. Relena closed her eyes and shook her head.

"But- all those other people…"

"I didn't know," Heero said quietly. "Believe me, if I had, I would have tried to do something. Once I was given the all-clear, I figured I would just follow the suspects to space, and see what happened."

"So, what, you weren't even going to tell me?" Relena threw up her hands as Heero shook his head. "Then what would have happened?"

"You would have gone on to your conference, and I would have gone back to work." He shrugged again. Relena sat back in her chair and dropped her hands into her lap. Through a series of coincidences, Relena had missed boarding her shuttle, avoided certain death, and ended up in a Preventer safe house with Heero and Duo, both of whom she hadn't seen in ages.

"This is just-"

Rapid gunfire interrupted her. With cries of alarm, Duo, Heero, and Relena all slipped from their chairs and hit the ground hard. The bottles of whiskey rattled on the table.

Bullets burst through the windows, lodging themselves in the walls. Duo army-crawled across the floor towards the front door.

"What are you doing?" Heero shouted at him.

"I want to see who is shooting at us!" Duo shouted back.

"You're going to get shot!" Relena and Heero yelled at the same time. Duo blanched.

"Right." Heero growled and pulled his pistol from his holster, which had been hidden by his jacket. Duo held his hands up. "Whoa, man. You're wasted. That is not a good idea!"

"You're even worse. What else are we supposed to do?" Heero asked. Duo shrugged.

"How did they find us?" Relena asked. The gunfire paused momentarily.

"They must have followed us," Duo said.

"Followed you," Heero said. "I didn't have a tail. Did you check your six?" Duo stared at Heero.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Did you make sure you weren't followed here?" Heero repeated, emphasizing each word.

"I mean, I assumed I wasn't." Heero looked at Duo as though he wanted to punch him.

Relena stood suddenly, startling both men. "If it's my life they want, they can take it." Duo and Heero exchanged glances before Heero reached over and grabbed Relena by the arm, tugging her back to the floor.

"Shut up," he glowered. "Don't be so stupid."

"You're stupid," she retorted.

"Guys, just bang it out already, seriously," Duo groaned.

"Shut up," Heero hissed at his fellow Preventer this time. "Listen."

"To what? I don't hear anything," Duo whined.

"Exactly. Why haven't they continued to fire at the house?" Heero asked.

"Well, it's made of bricks. Maybe they realized it was a dumb idea," Relena offered. Heero clapped his hand over her mouth, silencing her. She glared at him.

Outside the front door, they could hear many footsteps on the porch. A moment later, someone knocked.

"Anyone home?" came a voice from the other side.

Relena swung frightened eyes over to Heero. "They know we're here?" Her voice was muffled against his palm until he removed it.

"Why else would they be shooting at us? Those aren't Preventer agents out there," Heero replied.

"Both of you shuddup," Duo said. The person on the other side of the door knocked once more.

"This would be easier if you opened the door," the voice said. "We have the means to knock it down, but we might blow you up as well."

Relena opened her mouth to shout something back, but Heero clamped his hand over her mouth once more. She was tempted to bite his hand in protest, but managed to resist.

"Fine. We'll do this the hard way," the voice called.

Tense silence followed. Heero pointed towards a side door and gestured with his chin. As silently as possible, they began to crawl towards the side door. Heero pulled his phone from his pocket, and with apparent difficulty, typed a text message. The tension in the farmhouse rose with each passing second. Duo was about to reach for the doorknob of the side door when he froze. The three glanced up at the glass window that made up half of the door.

A face peered down at them.

Heero whipped his gun up towards the window and fired two shots. The glass of the window shattered and the face disappeared. "Just go!" he shouted.

"We'll be completely exposed!" Duo shouted back.

"Time's up," the voice shouted on the other side of the door.

Heero threw himself over Relena just as an explosion went off at the front of the house. Bricks flew in all directions, glass and wood shattered, and the beams holding the house together began to crack.

Duo picked himself up and kicked open the side door, shattering the wood frame around the lock. Heero rose and dragged Relena up with him. The three stumbled through the door and out into the dirt clearing surrounding the house.

The man who had appeared in the window was lying on the ground, moaning in pain, his hands pressed to the top of his skull. It appeared at least one of Heero's bullets had grazed him. Another explosion rocked the house, and the roof began to cave.

Heero led the way to the back of the house. The chicken coop wasn't far away, but from their vantage point, they couldn't see their attackers.

"Wait here," Heero said, and moved off towards the opposite corner of the house. He leaned around the corner, but popped back around, his shoulders flat against the wall. Another explosion went off. Relena and Duo threw themselves away from the house, while Heero dropped into a roll and sprang back up on his feet a few meters away.

"Stay down," Heero yelled out instructions to Relena and Duo as he darted off around a corner. Duo looked doubtfully at Relena.

"Man, I don't know about that guy." Relena shushed him.

"It's Heero. He'll know what to do."

"Sure, sure," Duo lamented in a sing-song voice. "Heero Yuy, Gundam Pilot Zero One extraordinaire, would. Heero Yuy, Preventer Agent, even. But Heero Yuy, drunk off his ass? Color me skeptical."

"Well, you're just as drunk, but I don't see you helping," Relena pointed out.

"I'm keepin' you safe, little missy!" Duo huffed. "Not like you can point a gun…"

"Oh, can't I?!" Relena reached out to Duo's waist and pulled his pistol from the holster on his hip. Duo jumped back, hands spread in front of him. Relena rolled her eyes and took off after Heero.

"Hey, wait! Princess!"

Relena rounded the corner of the house and skidded to a halt in the dirt. Heero was crouched behind a pile of rubble, looking up at the sky. Relena could hear the distant sound of helicopter blades slicing through the air. Heero glanced back at her, saw the gun in her hands, and stared at her.

"Why do you-"

"Duo claimed I couldn't shoot a gun," Relena said with a shrug. Heero opened his mouth, but Relena screamed, "DUCK!"

She squeezed the trigger. The bullet lodged in the shoulder of the man that had appeared on the other side of the rubble pile. He let out a cry and dropped to the ground. Heero whirled around, his eyes wider in surprise than Relena had ever seen them.

"Damn, girl," Duo said, having joined them on the side of the house.

Around the front of the house, they could hear people shouting at each other. Car doors began to slam. The three exchanged glances. Relena handed the gun back to Duo and allowed the two trained Preventers to lead the way to the front yard. She followed behind, anger building inside.

Two dark colored SUVs that were not Preventer-issued were parked in the front of the house. The attackers scrambled inside to escape. Before they could get away, Heero and Duo fired shots, blowing the tires. The SUVs slumped to the ground on the rims. After a beat, one man slipped out from the passenger seat and turned.

The Preventer helicopter grew larger in the sky, rapidly approaching the farmhouse.

Relena stared at the man who had climbed out of the SUV. Heero and Duo trained their guns on him.

"Minister Barnell?" Relena cried out. Heero and Duo glanced back at her.

"You know him?" Duo asked.

"Our offices are next to each other at the ESUN building," Relena said.

"I do not understand, Minister Darlian, how you've managed to slip through our fingers twice in one day," Minister Barnell said, walking a few steps closer to where Heero and Duo stood. They pointed their guns at his head once more. He stared at them with a critical eye. "And if I'm not mistaken… all three of you appear to be inebriated."

"Pfft," Duo said, but that only confirmed Minister Barnell's guess.

The Preventer helicopter hovered overhead and slowly lowered to the ground. Bright spotlights shone over the area. The door slid open, where Une, Sally Po and Wufei Chang appeared. Several other Preventer agents jumped out as the helicopter landed. Heero and Duo lowered their guns as the agents converged on Barnell and his associates.

Une jumped from the helicopter and strode over to Relena, Heero, and Duo. "How on Earth did this happen?" she asked, simultaneously incredulous and shocked.

"Duo was followed here," Heero accused.

"Heero had to be a hero," Duo said.

"They're both useless," Relena said.

Une frowned, her brown eyes glinting in the low light. "What is wrong with you three?" she demanded. They exchanged glances, but no one answered her. She put her hands on her hips. "Fine. Don't answer. We'll discuss it later at HQ," she said and stalked off.

They grinned sheepishly at each other. Duo holstered his gun and followed after Une, as if he had the capacity to be productive.

Relena made to follow after Duo, but was halted by someone grabbing her arm. More specifically, Heero grabbing her arm. She whirled on him, startled by the sudden contact.

"Heero-"

"Useless, huh?" He frowned down at her, his eyes burning.

"I-I didn't mean…" she slurred, feeling uneven on her feet. "Heero, I-"

Before she could get any more words out, his mouth descended on hers in a sloppy kiss. Relena couldn't help but kiss him back, finally breaking away after what felt like several minutes. She was surprised to see a smirk on his face.

"What is happening?" She touched her lips gingerly. "Is this a dream?"

"No." Heero's hands snatched her waist. "But I can help you be sure…"

Relena laughed, resting her hands on top of his. "I'm not sure what's crazier, you kissing me out of the blue, or the fact that we neutralized a threat, intoxicated."

He frowned. "I'm not drunk."

Relena threw her head back and laughed. "Sure, Heero. Whatever you say."

His frown deepened. "I'm not _that_ drunk…"

"Right," Relena managed between giggles. His breath told a different story. "Like you would just grab me and kiss me, otherwise?"

Heero's eyes glimmered. "I have before, haven't I?" Relena's breath caught as he grasped her face with both hands and captured her lips in another kiss. She reached up and ran her fingers through his unruly hair, wanting nothing more but to keep going, but eventually had to break for air.

"CPR doesn't count, you know." She jabbed a finger into his chest. He smiled.

"I wasn't counting it."

"Not to mention, we have a lot of catching up to do." She glared up at him expectantly.

"Yuy!" Wufei's stern voice sliced through their banter from several meters away. "Hurry up, asshole!"

"Yeah, get in the choppah!" Duo waved gleefully from inside the helicopter. Heero rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Chang. We're coming." He turned back to Relena and reached for her hand. She laced their fingers together as they ambled toward the driveway.

"You can make out with your girlfriend after we clean up the shitstorm you left us," Wufei growled as they got closer.

"Girlfriend?" Relena looked up at Heero and smiled playfully. She knew the term would rattle him. He glanced down at her quickly before returning his gaze to the chopper.

"Relena…"

"Look, I don't care what you call me." She gave his hand a squeeze. "Just promise me you're not going to disappear again." He looked down again at her, and this time, gave her a rare smile. She smiled triumphantly back at him, feeling as if she had gained the upper hand.

Heero's lips twitched. "Not without you."

"I knew it..." Relena smirked. "You _are_ drunk."

The End

* * *

Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Your comments and encouragements are greatly appreciated!

-Relena's Glam Squad


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